Dear Peri...

Congratulations.

If you're reading this, you've either:

• Woken up at 3:17 a.m. for the 48th consecutive night.
• Cried because a squirrel looked particularly determined.
• Wanted to divorce your partner because they breathed too enthusiastically.
• Forgotten why you walked into the kitchen while holding the thing you came to get.
• Wondered if you're dying.
• Wondered if you're finally becoming yourself.

Welcome to Hormopause.

Yes, I made up the word.

No, I'm not taking it back.

Because somewhere between "women's problem," "man's low T," "you're just stressed," "you're getting older," and "have you tried yoga?" we've managed to build an entire healthcare system that treats the same underlying phenomenon like seventeen unrelated software bugs.

I'm Peri.

Part satirist. Part systems engineer. Full-time reverse engineer of Human OS v2.0.

I don't care whether you arrived here with ovaries, testes, both, neither, or replacement parts from modern medicine.

If your endocrine system has decided to deploy an unscheduled firmware update while you're still trying to run production... this column is for you.

Each week, readers send me questions. And if not, then I answer my own fucking questions.

Some are funny. Some are terrifying. Most are both.

We'll answer them with science, sarcasm, systems thinking, and enough profanity to remind you you're among friends.

Because contrary to popular belief...

You're probably not losing your mind.

Your hormones are simply holding an emergency board meeting without inviting your conscious brain.

And for those wondering why the fuck did I make up 'Hormopause' - because it's a fucking system event affecting the Human OS... which is sorely lacking documentation.

Hormopause: The human experience of midlife hormonal recalibration. Menopause, perimenopause, age-related testosterone decline, and other endocrine shifts are different pathways through the same neighborhood.

I don't give a shit what kind of human you are. You're a fucking human, pun intended.

— Peri
Satirist. Systems Engineer. Hormopause Enthusiast.

"Let's open the system logs."

 

System Log

Issue: Can't sleep.

Subsystems involved:
☑ Estrogen
☑ Testosterone
☑ Cortisol
☑ Circadian rhythm
☑ Thermoregulation
☑ Brain chemistry

Severity: Depends on whether your partner is also snoring.

Expected behavior: Annoyingly common.

Known fixes: Some evidence. Some folklore. Some wishful thinking.

Status: Engineers are still debugging humans.

 

Got a Hormopause question?

Ask Peri.

No question is too weird.

(Trust me. Your hormones have already thought of it.)